Dangerous Prayers

I sat on my deck at the picnic table with my Bible in front of me and my heart on the floor. A place of joy had become a place of self-condemnation, self-pity and self-accusation. I thought I had succeeded, but now it seemed I had failed instead. I felt deflated and defeated.

Wearily, I flipped to the first chapter of another book I had brought with me and began to read. I could almost hear my friend's voice as I read the words that she had penned. "Lord, thank you for truthtelling friends," I exhaled. My faithful friend exposed the true condition of my heart. Did you notice how many times "self" described the way I was feeling? Although I would have never described those feelings as pride, my focus on self revealed a mis-alignment of perception that scewed my entire perspective.

I asked God for forgiveness and His view of my circumstances and then began a dangerous prayer. "Lord, help me to focus on complete obedience instead of on my own results. Replace my pride with humility."

And then I braced myself. Praying for humility and obedience is the equivalent of praying for patience, right? Nobody in their right mind does that. It's just asking for suffering and trials, yet my newly softened heart prayed the prayer that was needed... and I waited for the shoe to drop.

Instead of the expected "stick" my day overflowed with one blessing after another. I found myself tearing-up over and over because of the kindness of others and an unexpected vote of confidence.

At the end of the day, I re-evaluated. What did my initial fears about my prayer say about what I truly, deep-down believe about God? Although it's true that He often uses hard places to mature us and make us more like Him, He is also the giver of every good and perfect gift. He is the One who, "...crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your your youth is renewed like the eagle's." (Ps. 103:4-5)

God's ministry of humility to me that day didn't come in the form that I had expected. He showered me with love and compassion instead, and I'm still staring at my tiara-wearing self with amazement.