I just finished reading a sweet friend's obituary. It contained many things I knew and some facts that really surprised me. I didn't know for instance that she had gotten her pilot's license at the tender age of 14.
It makes me sad. Last week as I talked to her adult children in her room at the hospice house, I realized that there were layers to this woman that I'd missed and that I'd never get to know. We were losing her at a time when I had more and more questions for her.
I rejoice that Elona is now in the presence of Jesus painfree and carefree, but my heart aches that I didn't use my time with her better. I wish I had made more time to know her more deeply.
God has been speaking to me about my friendships. He's been showing me that because of some painful experiences with friends over the years that I've started protecting my heart too closely...and I've missed out. I've missed out on the joy and closeness that an open heart offers and receives. I've let fear of rejection and hurt rob me of the pleasure of deep connection. He's showing me that I can't have both. I can't over protect and be close. Not possible.
So I'm working on it. I'm working on re-opening my heart to people. I want to spend time, ask the right questions, laugh, play, SHOP! In the process, there may be more hurt but there will definitely be more joy.
My friends, and you know who you are, I love you.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Re-Opening
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2 comments:
I definitely understand what you mean.
I have found that lately I have been hiding myself from my church. It is a wonderful church and my disappointments are my own and probably stem from expectations that I set to high.
I know that I need to open back up. But I don't want to get hurt. I have been praying for a really close friend and either I am not opening myself up enough or God does not want that for me at this time. But I set these expectations on a few and they have not done "what I thought they should". Silly, controlling me.
I pray that your heart opens wide and you are blessed by your friendships.
o wow! TAT was for me today! being so urt by "freinds" in te past I ave definitly closed my eart off in protection and now at one of te ardest times in my life I dont ave really close friends locally to be ere, toug I seem to do ok wit online friends, but ten tere is a certain safety in tat for some reason. I ave been so scared of ow we are gonna get to Taiwan to pick up our baby, wat are we gonna do, and can I be a good enoug mom for im and on and on and was just tinkin I wis I ad someone to talk to, someone wo cared and was ere. Not sure WO I would reopen too but I am tinkin I may ave to try and trust a bit.
blessings,
Tami
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