Our Biggest Friendship Struggle

I have really loved reading your answers to these questions. I'd love to extend the contest for one more day, and I'll announce the randomly drawn winner on Wednesday for a copy of Rachel Olsen's new book It's No Secret. Please leave a comment on Friday's post with your name and email if you'd like to add to the discussion.

I wasn't surprised to read that most of you said that time is the biggest struggle in your friendships, because I would say the same thing. I'm an extrovert who would love nothing more that a schedule full of coffee and lunch dates with my friends, but real life interrupts!

This week I want to share some thoughts about time that I wrote earlier this summer. Food for thought for those of us with this struggle...

I was attending a Christian conference where the facilitator gave us a startling exercise. For step one, he ask us to write our top five priorities in any order. I quickly wrote the things that most people in the room were probably writing: God, family, friends, work, church. Done.

In the next step of the exercise, the facilitator asked the group to number their priorities in order with1 being the highest to 5 being the lowest. Hmmm… This was a little harder. I knew what I should write, but I wanted to try to be very honest. I deliberated for a few minutes and then ranked my priorities.

It was the last step that was the real eye-opener. The facilitator gave the last instruction, “Now number your priorities in the order that you spend time on them with 1 being where you spend the most time and 5 being where you spend the least.” I sat stunned, because the purpose of the exercise had suddenly become clear. I knew that the truth was right before me. The real order of my priorities was revealed by how I spend my time.

Time. What a struggle our culture has with time! As Americans we have more conveniences, more appliances and more technology than ever before to help us save time and yet we seem busier and more strung out than ever. Os Guinness, the author of Prophetic Untimeliness, writes, “Today at the high noon of modern life, time in the clock-driven world has become so precise and coordinated that it’s all around us, driving us from behind, pulling us from in front, pressing us from above, and squeezing us from all sides. The gods on our wrists have become in the words of Charles Baudelaire, ‘the sinister god.’”

How in the world are we to reverse this trend? How are we called to live by sacrificing our time to build relationships? I believe it’s by taking a hard, honest look at our priorities and our values and beginning to live what we say we believe. I cannot in all honesty say that I value building deep, out of the box friendships while I spend little to no time on those relationships.

My problem is probably the same as yours. I often have more on my agenda or calendar than I can really accomplish. The title of that little book The Tyranny of the Urgent could sometimes be the banner of my life. I so easily get caught up in the little things—phone calls, email, Facebook, laundry, running errands—that the important things go by the wayside. And what are the important things? The people around me.

I once heard Martha Lawley, an accomplished author and speaker, say, “What if we could tiptoe into God’s office and peek into His day timer for our lives? What would be on God’s calendar for me?” She followed with a question that continues to rock me. “And what would not be on God’s calendar for me?”

I think that’s the critical question if we’re serious about getting our time in order with our priorities. What am I currently doing that is not in God’s plan for me? You and I get into trouble when we step outside of God’s plan and begin adding our own agenda. Our snags come when we begin to say “yes” to those things which should be a “no”.

If we were to ask God to list His agenda, I believe it’s consistent with scripture to say that relationship would be very high on the list. I want more than anything for my priorities to begin to match His priorities. If that’s what you want too, then I think we’ve got to do several things to get our agendas synched with His.

Make New Friends and Keep the Old

Do you remember that old Girl Scouts song?

Make new friends but keep the old,
One is silver and the other gold.

Let's sing it in a round now! :)

I've been thinking a lot about friendships lately, and this morning it's at the top of my brain as I go to meet a new friend for coffee. It's made me curious about your friendships, too. I've got a few questions for you and a treat, too.

If you'll answer these questions, I'll put your name in a hat for a drawing for Rachel Olsen's brand spankin' new book It's No Secret. (She's giving away one on her blog, too, so you have 2 chances to win!)

1. How do you keep in touch with your closest friends?
2. How do you meet new friends?
3. What is your greatest struggle with your friendships?

Make sure to give me your name and email so that I can contact you if your the winner. I hope you get time with a friend after you answer these questions today!

While the Morning Stars Sing

I tiptoed down my stairs, started the coffee and heard my dog shake in her crate. That's Hilde's signal that she's up and ready to start the day.

I greeted my little red hound, snapped on her leash and opened the door, taking a deep breath of delight. I don't think I've been outside before 6:00 am since June 9--the day school got out.

I love early morning, but our whole family has been on the up late at night and up late in the morning schedule this summer. It's wonderful, though, to be back to routine and seeing the morning stars.

Here's one of the scriptures that wrapped around my hear this morning as I studied in my Intimacy with God study,

"Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me if you understnad. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know. Who stretched a measuring line across it? Onw hat were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone--while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?" (Job 38:4-7 NIV)

As I sat in the quiet that my house has returned to, I thought of how my heart sang at the sight of the stars this morning and the wonder of star-song and angel-cheering at the sight of God's handiwork. Worship is our natural response to creation when we are moving slow enough to pay attention. I've loved our summer break, but now I'm praying for a school pace that allows my heart to register wonder as I move through the day.

Summer's Last Call

The evenings are a little cooler...

Every day's humidity is not 100% (NC summers can be torture)...

The sun is out...

The locusts are buzzing...

The pool is sparkling...

There are only two days left until school starts...

See you Wednesday!

Friday

Recently, Marybeth Whalen wrote about dreading the blinking cursor. I think I have cursoritis this morning too. So this morning, I'm just writing some notes about Friday.

What I'm wearing: My mumu. It's lovely, but I'm glad ya'll can't see it.

Who I'm with: Anson is playing his Game Boy is the chair beside me. Nolan is still in bed. (We've only got a few lazy mornings left, so I'll let the boy sleep.)

What I'm thinking about: I'm having lunch with Zoe Elmore today, so I've got to get out of the mumu and into something half way cute. Lunch with the queen of bling is an event (even though she's so yummy that she would love me in a burlap sack.).

What I'm looking forward to: Watching Anson run in his first cross country meet tomorrow morning. Digging into my friend Tara's Bible study. Getting back on a family schedule.

What I'm dreading: Getting on the scale. I've been avoiding it like the plague, because my tight clothes are telling the truth. I'm also dreading the start of homework.

Happy Friday, all! I'd love to hear what you're doing today.

What's Happening to Friendship?

All you coming from Encouragement for Today, welcome! If you'd like to read more about building meaningful relationships, my devotion today is about balancing face-time with Facebook time.

Lonely. That's not a word I thought I'd ever use to describe myself, but that's just where I was for many years after a hard move. There were lots of reasons, some of them my own fault and some not, but knowing the reasons didn't help.

My friend Carol sent me an editorial that was recently published in USA Today that included information from a fascinating but sad study. In this study published in the American Sociological Review, they cited statistics that showed that half of Americans only have two close friends. The saddest stat said that one out of four Americans don't have any.

Not a single one.

That's a lot of hurting souls and broken hearts.

My heart grieves over those statistics, because I have felt the pain of loneliness. I want us to focus on hope, though.

If you're lonely...
Here's the advice that I kept giving myself over and over during those lonely days, because I believe it to be true...

When you don't have a friend, BE the friend to others that you would like to have.

Here are some of the things I told myself over and over during my hard time. "Self", I'd say...

"Would you love a friend who took time to show that she cared by picking up the phone and asking about your day? Then pick up the phone and ask about someone's day."

"Would you love a friend who keeps confidences and is trustworthy? Then keep a confidence ."

"Would you love a friend who asked you to go shopping (or to the movies, or for a walk...) at the spur of the moment? Then ask someone to go along when you go do those things."

It's easier to stay isolated sometimes than to reach out, especially if you've been hurt or disappointed many times. I know very well. But I want to encourage you to reach out, show love and care about others.

God taught me so many things during my loneliness. I learned to be more dependent on Him. I learned to appreciate the friendship of my family more. I took a hard look at some things that weren't so wonderful about myself and really worked to change those things.

For those of you who are lonely today, know that I'm praying for you. I'm praying that God would comfort and encourage you today, and I'm praying that you will find and cultivate a beautiful friendship.

If you're not lonely...
Use this as a reminder today that so many people are lonely. Look for ways to open your circle of friends to new people. Watch for that new woman at church sitting by herself, the woman at work who eats lunch alone, or the neighbor who never seems to be invited. Reach out to someone new today, and you may be the one who receives a blessing.

Our Bigger Than Us So Very Near to Us God

God makes my mind feel like it's going to explode. Do you remember as a kid thinking about God and wondering how He knew each of us--each of the millions of people on the planet and all the people who came in the generations upon generations before? I used to think that thought when I was young, but I stopped somewhere along the line. I must have given up, because it's truly incomprehensible.

But I started thinking about it again this weekend after I heard my friend Lysa TerKeurst speak in my neck of the woods. As I settled into my seat in Apex United Methodist Church on Friday night, I realized that this would be the first time I had ever heard Lysa speak live outside of She Speaks. I grinned to myself and wondered how God would speak through Lysa to the friends that I do life with.

Last night I read through status updates on Facebook that reflected my friends' hearts and how Lysa had been used.

Dara latched onto the phrase, "We are called human beings and not human doings." Her heart was captured by Lysa's challenge to see God's will as how we are to be more than what we are to do. Doing is the overflow of being.

Betsy caught Lysa's teaching about changing "I have to...." to "I am able to..." to cultivate a thankful heart.

Lisa was overwhelmed by God's presence and how He drew 38 women to say "yes" to Him for the very first time.

I was challenged to say "yes" to God before my feet even hit the floor in the morning and watch for opportunities to put that "yes" into action. That "yes" very likely means that my cushy life will be interrupted, but nevertheless "YES!"

God's thoughts are higher than our thoughts. His ways are higher than our ways. He is in all ways mind-blowing, awe-inspiring and power-surging, but He is still so close to us. He is close enough to speak individually to each of 320 women in Apex, NC. My brain hurts and my heart is full.

He Rebuilds

I was blessed growing up with parents who were and are two of my biggest cheerleaders. But whether you grew up with encouragement or not, there sometimes comes a day when all the "You can do it!"s in the world don't convince you.

Without bleeding all over you, suffice it to say that a move, a couple of friendships with bad endings and struggling to find a place in my new home town knocked the stuffing right out of me. I also joined the Proverbs 31 Ministries team during this time which has been one of the biggest gifts that God has ever given me. I had a huge fight, though, against my own tendency toward comparison. Little by little, I became convinced that I couldn't and that I wasn't. My confidence was shaken and then it crumbled.

But here's the thing. God is the Redeemer. Was it His plan that I would move, fail in some friendships and beat myself bloody trying to be somebody else? No! He did, however, use this bad place to bring me to a better place than where I started.

I started with, "I can do it", but He brought me to "He can do it in me."

At She Speaks this year, God's message to me was that He is sovereign. I joke about having an over-developed sense of responsibility, but it's true. Unfortunately, an over-developed sense of responsibility is the pretty twin sister of pride. It looks like humility and hard work, but really it's a lack of trust in God. He used one speaker after another to tell me to lay down the burden that I was never meant to carry. I had taken on His work, so no wonder I felt inadequate and shaky.

God began rebuilding in me about a year ago, but He capped it off when I got home from She Speaks this year. I didn't want to teach my Sunday school class on the Sunday after. I was tired and convinced I needed a break, but God had something to teach me through that lesson. So I taught.

II Corinthians 3:4-6 was one of the key scriptures which says, "Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant--not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life."

That's what God has been working inside of me for the last few years. He has brought me out of my own power, which is so limited and flawed, to being dependent on the infilling power of His Spirit in me. Confidence in myself has very limited power whereas confidence in Him brings limitless possibilities.

It's a good place to rest.

He Builds

Sometimes things have to be torn down before they can be rebuilt.

I've been going through some tearing down for quite a while, but I didn't realize that significant rebuilding has been going on right under my nose. When Barry asked an unexpected question this week (unexpected questions that open my heart right up are Barry's specialty), it opened my eyes to some of God's work in my life.

Our family took some time away at the beach last week, and it was a much-needed and deeply appreciated break from all that calls at home. On the second night, Barry and I sat on the deck overlooking the ocean. We talked in low voices about the topics that concern many of us--finances, parenting, plans for the future...

Suddenly, Barry asked his startling question.

"If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?"

My mind went blank except for the thought, "Whew! This is a really loaded question." At first I didn't want to answer (why ruin a great evening), but as in every marriage, there were some things that needed talked about. I made him promise that if I answered that he would answer (That was probably the plan all along, but I didn't want to face, "Oh honey, I wouldn't change a thing about you.")

So I answered Barry, but this post is about my flaws and not his. You'll have to see if he'll share what I said. :) When we finished talking about what I had said, I braced myself and re-asked the question, "What would you change about me?"

I had a pretty good list going in my mind of what I thought he'd say--I wish you weren't so critical. I wish you wouldn't talk so much. I wish you would cook dinner more often....Truly, the list is pretty long--this is just an excerpt of what could have been said.

What he actually said surprised me. "I want you to get your confidence back," he said. "When I married you, your favorite phrase was, 'I'll do it myself!' I've watched you lose your confidence over the years. It's gotten better in the last two years, but I want you to have it back."

What a sweet, gentle, unexpected answer. That left me with a lot to chew on. Over the next few days, God revealed a lot to me about what He's been up to in my heart and life pertaining to confidence. I'll share more this week about how I lost it and how I'm getting my groove back.

In the meantime, what is one thing that you'd change about yourself? Is it something that you've lost? Something you've never had? A flaw? A sin? Part of your character? (Don't get hopeless about this, God is in the transformation business!)

Who Would Have Thought? (A title borrowed from Cecil Murphey)

On Friday night, I went to a breakout session at She Speaks with pen poised and legal pad blank and waiting. Cecil Murphey, a man who has written countless books and is beloved by the publishing community, was the speaker, and I was sure that I was going to receive the magic formula for success in publishing.

Surely he'd talk about building a platform. The key to success is the number of your blog readers, the number in your audience or the number of your proposals that are accepted by publishers. Right?

The key to success is found in your degrees, the number of conferences you've attended and the number of hours writing. Right?

I prepared for wisdom and rules to be imparted. (Since I'm one more rule-following fool, a list of rules is something I can get excited about!)

Cec took the stage and began to speak unexpected words but words that my heart longed to hear.

Who would have thought?

Who would have thought that a book like Practicing the Presence of God would dwindle to a stack of 100 molding away in a warehouse before an impassioned pastor began recommending it to everyone within earshot?

Who would have thought that a book like The Shack which was self-published and so controversial would make millions feel the love of God?

Who would have thought that a book about 90 minutes in heaven would ever have made it among all the "near death" books and novels around us?

Who would have thought?

Cec's whole message was that God is in control. He is the one who chooses, and all the blog posts, positioning and preparation in the world doesn't change things. God changes things.

Many of you may be reading this, and your response is "Duh!" I know. But for a girl with a highly over-developed sense of responsibility, Cec's message was a place where my heart could rest. So I started my own list that ended up looking a whole lot like thankfulness.

Who would have thought...

• I'd have a husband that would make coffee and buy doughnuts the morning after a conference from which I was left comatose?
• A rule-following girl would be embraced by Grace?
• My friends from my two worlds would collide and make a bigger circle?
• My youngest would say, "It's not the same without you here, Mom"?
• I'd see and hear the stories of the faith of 11 amazing women?

If you reflect, do you have some "Who would have thoughts?"