Examined

For weeks and weeks I've been trying to give you little glimpses into the big work that God's doing in my heart.

I have to confess that I feel like I'm in Jacob's wrestling match. My brain is in overdrive trying to take in and process all the lessons I'm learning. Last week, during a walk, I felt that my poor, limited mind was about to spin out of control and out of my head. In the middle of all my striving, God whispered this sweet message into my heart,

"Amy, you are so driven, but I'm not driving you. I'm gently leading you."

Suddenly, my mind stilled and my racing heart slowed. I had been doing my usual thing--working, working, working to grasp God's movement. But all He's calling me to do is to be still and rest in what He's doing.  It's so easy for me to get caught up in doing, but it's so very hard for me to simply and quietly follow God.

I want to dive in and do.

Jesus wants me to wait and listen.

There's a part of me that still wants the list of rules.  "Here's how you do it". "This is what it should look like."

I tend to treat any book that I'm reading like the desired list, but then my life ends up looking like the proverbial wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

I'm trying to back up and simply live an examined life, and in the end, I think that's the place where God is directing me.  Instead of just moving through my days thoughtlessly spending, deciding, working, mothering, loving...God is bringing me to a place of taking a long look at it all and then constantly looking back to Him and asking my Abba Father,

"How do You want me to do this?"

"What do You want this to look like?"

Living an examined life instead of a "normal" life.  That's what I think He's after.